So. . . It's Been Awhile

It has been so long since my last post I had to read where I had left off. This blog is about my journey of weight loss. . . and since there hasn't been a whole lot of that going on I just left it alone. Then I had several reminders that I could still blog about it. So I guess today I will try my best to swallow my pride and get back to it.

So much has happened since I made my last entry. My body just sorta turned on me. I was on top of the world with my new found sense of pride in my dedication to a healthier more beautiful self. It has been a battle with my body not cooperating with procedures promised to help. With my blood levels becoming less and less. Up until last month I was still struggling with the issues my doctor has been trying so hard to fix. I finally have had a break from it all and am actually very optimistic I am in the clear.

If I am honest, which I said I would be, I probably could have been working out and dieting the entire time. Well maybe not after some of the surgeries. But in between them. I could have continued to eat healthy. I could have continued to go to the gym doing modified versions of my once daily work-outs. I could have not decided to give up. I could have plowed through with the same desire I did when I started. But I didn't. I chose to tell myself as soon as I am better. As soon as I have more energy. As soon as my husband asks me when I am going back. As soon as my personal trainer calls me. As soon as my brother gets curious how things are going. As soon as school is done. As soon as baseball is done. Are you seeing a pattern here?? That's the problem. Some of the " as soon as " happened. In fact, most of them did. And I just kept making new ones. Then the " I should haves " started in. Those are the ones that keep you awake at night. They are the ones that make you cry when you see yourself naked in front of the mirror. Those are the ones that make you change your clothes faster then David Copperfield's assistants. In hopes your kids don't see you and laugh. The should haves come out of now where. And yet I feel them all day everyday. After the should haves come the " I will's. " Now these beauty's give you hope after the others. They stand beside me like true friend. Always there to encourage me. I will get back to the gym. I will reach my goal weight. I will feel beautiful. I will be healthy. I will not be the mom that her kids are horrified with. I will feel sexy. I will. . . I will. . . I will.

I can't believe I have to start this again. Starting is the hardest part other then stopping. Because stopping forces you to have to start again. I get really angry with myself thinking of where I could be now. I could be reaching my goal. Now my goal seems farther away then it did when I started. Even though I have not gained all my weight back. I guess that was on of the bonuses of going to the doctor so much. . .being able to tell myself " oh it's okay you haven't gained THAT much." But in truth I gained and that isn't okay. Unless my scale is going down I am not okay. If I am not doing everything I can to make it do so, I am not okay.

So now I sit typing the last step in my process. The " How's."
How do I bounce back from my failure, when I have no bounce?
How do I remove my disgust, when it is more a part of me then my fat?
How do I show my face in the gym, when I will probably cry?
How do I stop feeling like I will start and quit again?
How do I know for sure I am ready?
How do I make it part of my life again?
How do I stop seeking food as my crutch?
How do I love my fat self enough to find my healthy self?

Now just to clarify. . . I have a happy life. I love my husband. I love my kids. I love my family. I love my friends. I love my God. I love most every aspect of my blessed life. For those reasons alone, I know that is why this weight thing has got me all worked up. It is the thing I can't figure out. How can you HATE something about yourself SO MUCH and keep inviting into your life?

I will keep you posted on my journey. This time no matter what. Because really I have nothing to hide.

Take Care Friends

A Set Back, A Pound and A Positive Attitude

I feel like my posts have been a little negative and I don't like that. But it's real. I will start by addressing my title in order today. I have had a medical set back that has prevented me from going to my classes for the better part of this week. I'm really frustrated. I feel like a wuss. I'm not going to go into the details, but you wouldn't want them anyway. It's not pretty. But it has been taking it's toll on my energy, my back and my legs. I will be seeing the doctor on Monday to make some plans to fix my problem. Hopefully, it will be a quick procedure and recovery so I can get back to my goals. I have been doing some other things in my attempt to stay active this week. Capitalizing on my spurts of energy. Taking walks, going out with my kids, doing calf raises on my stairs, stomach muscle things and some band exercises. My favorite was the walking. Walking is such a great way to get some fresh air and clear your mind in addition to getting your heart pumping. I had two opportunities this week to do this. Once with my very pregnant sister and the other with my kids at the park. Both were fun and light. Although walking with Lindsay was with a purpose greater then hitting my weight loss goals. I was trying to induce labor. I was in full on get that baby out of there mode. Maybe I can talk her into trying again today?

The next thing to address is my pound. I lost one. It feels like a cheat of a pound because I'm sure it is a pound of muscle that it took me a week to gain! I'll need to have my blog savvy sister change my ticker for me.

Next up. . .positive attitude. While I am normally the nice funny one. This set back as turned me into sort of a grump. I'm snapping at my kids for little or no reason at all and let me just say my husband must really love me to put up with smart remarks and downer mood. My whole life I've been a clown. Enjoyed the center of attention. That is a trait that worked for me when I got older and was the heavier ( not fat though, as I totally thought I was) of my friends. It was my role. It was what they needed from me. It was who I was in my friends foursome. Then as I got older and really did get BIG my personality was my THING. I just figured if you're fat you can't afford to be mean or have zero sense of humor. What else would I have going for me? But now that I'm older I understand differently, of course. But there is something to be said for being able to make someone laugh and doing something nice for someone. And I still am funny. . . at least I think I am.

So I'll leave for today saying that after I get my health in order I will be tackling my weight with the determination of my sister pounding out those steps on our walk. Until next time be well, be thankful and be funny. . .especially if you're fat. . .JUST KIDDING

Motivation???

So today the gym didn't go the way I had planned. I get there and find out that my Monday class has been canceled due to spring break. I wouldn't have cared so much normally but it took everything in my being to actually go today! So instead of making myself work hard and push myself to the extreme, which my classes usually do for me, I gave it some weak sauce effort and came over to my mom's to use the computer.

Which leads me to my motivation question. If I hate being fat so much, why is it so hard to do what is right? I have been doing so good at going to the gym and eating healthy, when is it going to be a part of my everyday life without the struggle? If you could hear the thoughts inside my head as I drive to the gym everyday! It goes a little something like this. . . Oh I'm so tired. I'll just skip today and get back on track tomorrow. . . I really have been doing so good, it won't kill me to miss one day, right?. . . I'll eat really good today and skip my class, that'll be okay. . . and so on, you get the drift.

The great part is, I ignore those thoughts and go to my class. When my class is done, I feel like I am on top of the world. It is the best feeling. My mind is clear. My body is lighter. My outlook on tomorrow's class is brighter. My afternoon is easier. My attitude is cheerier. If I could feel that way all day everyday I'm certain I would never have to fight with myself about going to the gym again.

So far on my journey to a lesser me I have lost 40 pounds. It sounds like a lot. It is a lot. My instructor had me put 40 pounds of weight in a bag and carry it. I was shocked that I had been carrying that around for the past 9 plus years. I guess the negative side of me gets bummed to think that I have to fill 2 and a half more bags just like that to reach my goal. It's overwhelming to think about. Especially today after my non workout workout. But there's always tomorrow, Right???

So here's the ugly. . . I am about to share my stats with you. Grab a chair and get comfy. I feel like I need to be honest to my 5 readers so far:) When I went to the hospital to deliver my first baby, 9 years ago, I weighed 317 pounds. Since then I have tried many diets and tried to lose weight. This time has been the most successful. I currently weigh 256. It is the lowest I've weighed since I became pregnant 9 years ago. So naturally, I am thrilled. I do feel like this is it. This is the time my weight loss is going to happen. . . All the way to my goal. I, being an instant gratification type person, hence the chub, I want it to happen sooner then later. But I guess I'll take it pound by pound and inch by inch until I hit that magic number of. . .150!

So now that I feel I've cheated myself out of a work out. . . whats my major plan? Not a clue. Go back tomorrow and do my thing and just wait for that next sign of victory.

Dinner for two

My story is not one that hasn't been told before. Sadly, it is so common we have had a very successful reality show for many season's on 'My Story.' It is something that wasn't always a part of me, but it has defined me now. It is who I am. It is what I am. It is time for me to say good-bye though.

I wasn't always fat and when I did get fat, I never intended on visiting there for very long. But time has a way of speeding by. My fats still here, but I am not. The carefree, self-confidant self has been eeked out by the shelf that could host a dinner for two on it. It has been smothered by a hanging gut that could provide shelter for my family if ever there was a need for it.

About 3 months ago I decided to start losing the parts that defined me, the parts of me that don't belong. It hasn't been easy. I have wondered if this really is who I am. . . for better or worse.