It has been so long since my last post I had to read where I had left off. This blog is about my journey of weight loss. . . and since there hasn't been a whole lot of that going on I just left it alone. Then I had several reminders that I could still blog about it. So I guess today I will try my best to swallow my pride and get back to it.
So much has happened since I made my last entry. My body just sorta turned on me. I was on top of the world with my new found sense of pride in my dedication to a healthier more beautiful self. It has been a battle with my body not cooperating with procedures promised to help. With my blood levels becoming less and less. Up until last month I was still struggling with the issues my doctor has been trying so hard to fix. I finally have had a break from it all and am actually very optimistic I am in the clear.
If I am honest, which I said I would be, I probably could have been working out and dieting the entire time. Well maybe not after some of the surgeries. But in between them. I could have continued to eat healthy. I could have continued to go to the gym doing modified versions of my once daily work-outs. I could have not decided to give up. I could have plowed through with the same desire I did when I started. But I didn't. I chose to tell myself as soon as I am better. As soon as I have more energy. As soon as my husband asks me when I am going back. As soon as my personal trainer calls me. As soon as my brother gets curious how things are going. As soon as school is done. As soon as baseball is done. Are you seeing a pattern here?? That's the problem. Some of the " as soon as " happened. In fact, most of them did. And I just kept making new ones. Then the " I should haves " started in. Those are the ones that keep you awake at night. They are the ones that make you cry when you see yourself naked in front of the mirror. Those are the ones that make you change your clothes faster then David Copperfield's assistants. In hopes your kids don't see you and laugh. The should haves come out of now where. And yet I feel them all day everyday. After the should haves come the " I will's. " Now these beauty's give you hope after the others. They stand beside me like true friend. Always there to encourage me. I will get back to the gym. I will reach my goal weight. I will feel beautiful. I will be healthy. I will not be the mom that her kids are horrified with. I will feel sexy. I will. . . I will. . . I will.
I can't believe I have to start this again. Starting is the hardest part other then stopping. Because stopping forces you to have to start again. I get really angry with myself thinking of where I could be now. I could be reaching my goal. Now my goal seems farther away then it did when I started. Even though I have not gained all my weight back. I guess that was on of the bonuses of going to the doctor so much. . .being able to tell myself " oh it's okay you haven't gained THAT much." But in truth I gained and that isn't okay. Unless my scale is going down I am not okay. If I am not doing everything I can to make it do so, I am not okay.
So now I sit typing the last step in my process. The " How's."
How do I bounce back from my failure, when I have no bounce?
How do I remove my disgust, when it is more a part of me then my fat?
How do I show my face in the gym, when I will probably cry?
How do I stop feeling like I will start and quit again?
How do I know for sure I am ready?
How do I make it part of my life again?
How do I stop seeking food as my crutch?
How do I love my fat self enough to find my healthy self?
Now just to clarify. . . I have a happy life. I love my husband. I love my kids. I love my family. I love my friends. I love my God. I love most every aspect of my blessed life. For those reasons alone, I know that is why this weight thing has got me all worked up. It is the thing I can't figure out. How can you HATE something about yourself SO MUCH and keep inviting into your life?
I will keep you posted on my journey. This time no matter what. Because really I have nothing to hide.
Take Care Friends