Friday, March 27, 2009

A Set Back, A Pound and A Positive Attitude

I feel like my posts have been a little negative and I don't like that. But it's real. I will start by addressing my title in order today. I have had a medical set back that has prevented me from going to my classes for the better part of this week. I'm really frustrated. I feel like a wuss. I'm not going to go into the details, but you wouldn't want them anyway. It's not pretty. But it has been taking it's toll on my energy, my back and my legs. I will be seeing the doctor on Monday to make some plans to fix my problem. Hopefully, it will be a quick procedure and recovery so I can get back to my goals. I have been doing some other things in my attempt to stay active this week. Capitalizing on my spurts of energy. Taking walks, going out with my kids, doing calf raises on my stairs, stomach muscle things and some band exercises. My favorite was the walking. Walking is such a great way to get some fresh air and clear your mind in addition to getting your heart pumping. I had two opportunities this week to do this. Once with my very pregnant sister and the other with my kids at the park. Both were fun and light. Although walking with Lindsay was with a purpose greater then hitting my weight loss goals. I was trying to induce labor. I was in full on get that baby out of there mode. Maybe I can talk her into trying again today?

The next thing to address is my pound. I lost one. It feels like a cheat of a pound because I'm sure it is a pound of muscle that it took me a week to gain! I'll need to have my blog savvy sister change my ticker for me.

Next up. . .positive attitude. While I am normally the nice funny one. This set back as turned me into sort of a grump. I'm snapping at my kids for little or no reason at all and let me just say my husband must really love me to put up with smart remarks and downer mood. My whole life I've been a clown. Enjoyed the center of attention. That is a trait that worked for me when I got older and was the heavier ( not fat though, as I totally thought I was) of my friends. It was my role. It was what they needed from me. It was who I was in my friends foursome. Then as I got older and really did get BIG my personality was my THING. I just figured if you're fat you can't afford to be mean or have zero sense of humor. What else would I have going for me? But now that I'm older I understand differently, of course. But there is something to be said for being able to make someone laugh and doing something nice for someone. And I still am funny. . . at least I think I am.

So I'll leave for today saying that after I get my health in order I will be tackling my weight with the determination of my sister pounding out those steps on our walk. Until next time be well, be thankful and be funny. . .especially if you're fat. . .JUST KIDDING

Monday, March 23, 2009


So today the gym didn't go the way I had planned. I get there and find out that my Monday class has been canceled due to spring break. I wouldn't have cared so much normally but it took everything in my being to actually go today! So instead of making myself work hard and push myself to the extreme, which my classes usually do for me, I gave it some weak sauce effort and came over to my mom's to use the computer.
Which leads me to my motivation question. If I hate being fat so much, why is it so hard to do what is right? I have been doing so good at going to the gym and eating healthy, when is it going to be a part of my everyday life without the struggle? If you could hear the thoughts inside my head as I drive to the gym everyday! It goes a little something like this. . . Oh I'm so tired. I'll just skip today and get back on track tomorrow. . . I really have been doing so good, it won't kill me to miss one day, right?. . . I'll eat really good today and skip my class, that'll be okay. . . and so on, you get the drift.

The great part is, I ignore those thoughts and go to my class. When my class is done, I feel like I am on top of the world. It is the best feeling. My mind is clear. My body is lighter. My outlook on tomorrow's class is brighter. My afternoon is easier. My attitude is cheerier. If I could feel that way all day everyday I'm certain I would never have to fight with myself about going to the gym again.

So far on my journey to a lesser me I have lost 40 pounds. It sounds like a lot. It is a lot. My instructor had me put 40 pounds of weight in a bag and carry it. I was shocked that I had been carrying that around for the past 9 plus years. I guess the negative side of me gets bummed to think that I have to fill 2 and a half more bags just like that to reach my goal. It's overwhelming to think about. Especially today after my non workout workout. But there's always tomorrow, Right???

So here's the ugly. . . I am about to share my stats with you. Grab a chair and get comfy. I feel like I need to be honest to my 5 readers so far:) When I went to the hospital to deliver my first baby, 9 years ago, I weighed 317 pounds. Since then I have tried many diets and tried to lose weight. This time has been the most successful. I currently weigh 256. It is the lowest I've weighed since I became pregnant 9 years ago. So naturally, I am thrilled. I do feel like this is it. This is the time my weight loss is going to happen. . . All the way to my goal. I, being an instant gratification type person, hence the chub, I want it to happen sooner then later. But I guess I'll take it pound by pound and inch by inch until I hit that magic number of. . .150!

So now that I feel I've cheated myself out of a work out. . . whats my major plan? Not a clue. Go back tomorrow and do my thing and just wait for that next sign of victory.

Friday, March 20, 2009

Dinner for two

My story is not one that hasn't been told before. Sadly, it is so common we have had a very successful reality show for many season's on 'My Story.' It is something that wasn't always a part of me, but it has defined me now. It is who I am. It is what I am. It is time for me to say good-bye though.

I wasn't always fat and when I did get fat, I never intended on visiting there for very long. But time has a way of speeding by. My fats still here, but I am not. The carefree, self-confidant self has been eeked out by the shelf that could host a dinner for two on it. It has been smothered by a hanging gut that could provide shelter for my family if ever there was a need for it.

About 3 months ago I decided to start losing the parts that defined me, the parts of me that don't belong. It hasn't been easy. I have wondered if this really is who I am. . . for better or worse.