Motivation???

So today the gym didn't go the way I had planned. I get there and find out that my Monday class has been canceled due to spring break. I wouldn't have cared so much normally but it took everything in my being to actually go today! So instead of making myself work hard and push myself to the extreme, which my classes usually do for me, I gave it some weak sauce effort and came over to my mom's to use the computer.

Which leads me to my motivation question. If I hate being fat so much, why is it so hard to do what is right? I have been doing so good at going to the gym and eating healthy, when is it going to be a part of my everyday life without the struggle? If you could hear the thoughts inside my head as I drive to the gym everyday! It goes a little something like this. . . Oh I'm so tired. I'll just skip today and get back on track tomorrow. . . I really have been doing so good, it won't kill me to miss one day, right?. . . I'll eat really good today and skip my class, that'll be okay. . . and so on, you get the drift.

The great part is, I ignore those thoughts and go to my class. When my class is done, I feel like I am on top of the world. It is the best feeling. My mind is clear. My body is lighter. My outlook on tomorrow's class is brighter. My afternoon is easier. My attitude is cheerier. If I could feel that way all day everyday I'm certain I would never have to fight with myself about going to the gym again.

So far on my journey to a lesser me I have lost 40 pounds. It sounds like a lot. It is a lot. My instructor had me put 40 pounds of weight in a bag and carry it. I was shocked that I had been carrying that around for the past 9 plus years. I guess the negative side of me gets bummed to think that I have to fill 2 and a half more bags just like that to reach my goal. It's overwhelming to think about. Especially today after my non workout workout. But there's always tomorrow, Right???

So here's the ugly. . . I am about to share my stats with you. Grab a chair and get comfy. I feel like I need to be honest to my 5 readers so far:) When I went to the hospital to deliver my first baby, 9 years ago, I weighed 317 pounds. Since then I have tried many diets and tried to lose weight. This time has been the most successful. I currently weigh 256. It is the lowest I've weighed since I became pregnant 9 years ago. So naturally, I am thrilled. I do feel like this is it. This is the time my weight loss is going to happen. . . All the way to my goal. I, being an instant gratification type person, hence the chub, I want it to happen sooner then later. But I guess I'll take it pound by pound and inch by inch until I hit that magic number of. . .150!

So now that I feel I've cheated myself out of a work out. . . whats my major plan? Not a clue. Go back tomorrow and do my thing and just wait for that next sign of victory.